sooner or later.

November 17, 2010-
That sooner or later is now. and a complete mess is what I'm becoming. I feel like the god's in that one movie where they're crazy. But it's me, I'm the crazy one. It's almost unexplainable. I almost feel wrong for how I feel. Was this supposed to happen to me like this? I don't know what is going on inside me right now but the constant battle to suppress it, to go on with life because I have to, is killing me. How is it that the only person I've ever truly loved, the person that has changed my life around without me realizing it, the person I would do anything for, change my life plans for- is leaving me. It's the most unusual circumstances, I don't even know how to cope. He' s not leaving me for someone else, or because (I hope) he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He is leaving me for the world.

I can't compete with that. In fact I am envious of him. I wish I were the one leaving him for the world. But I'm left here, to fend for myself. Once again. But this time I know love, its beauty, its warmth, its power. and I feel like it's all being torn from me.. I can't believe this person I've become. Just who I thought I wouldn't. It's hard to keep your cool when you're madly in love with someone. Mine is long gone.. and real soon I'm going to be left standing on the side of the road, bags in hand, middle of nowhere, hitching a ride back to independencville. It's gonna be a long, hard, bumpy road and maybe, hopefully, love can find me there again. xx